The Tale Of A Sex Goddess  A Mary Sue Fic
by Painted In Rainbows
Summary: Meet Rainbow Rose Uzumaki-Uchiha, the best ninja ever.  Note: If you take any of this seriously, your brain will be melted down for soup. ಠ ಠ
1. Rainbow Rose UzumakiUchiha

This is a Mary Sue fanfiction. Do not take seriously. You will die. ಠ_ಠ

Hey, I'm Rainbow Rose Uchiha-Uzumaki and I am 16 years young! I just moved here from the Land Hidden in the Swords to Konoha because after my brother raped me, I killed my family. I don't know why he raped me, I'm so ugly. But now I'm here more better than ever! I can fight and stuff! Oh yeah, I'm sure you're wondering about my hair because of my green bangs, blue hair, pink tips, and orange raccoon stripes but it's all natural! The length is all mine too! It goes to my feet without extensions. I was born this way. I don't believe in any kind of body mod so don't even start! Oh yeah, that means my FF size breasts are totally real! I'm really short, 5'11" and I just peaked at 94 lbs. I know, I'm kinda tubby but it's more to love! I have a kinda revealing shirt. It shows a lot of by breasts and makes them pop out all squishy and stuff. My top has little Uchiha fans on each side. My panties show sometimes over my shorts and it gets annoying. My shorts stop at my butt and the rest of my body is covered by a lot of fish net. My shorts have a little fan on the butt, too! To make it better, I learned how to fight in stilettos when I was four. My headband is attached to my shorts right about my lady parts. I'm your totally normal Konoha girl!

So as I walked down the street I felt really weird because so many eyes were on me. I know I'm ugly but why do people have to stare! I mean yesterday, a guy I never met asked me to do things to him! Oh my God, he was so icky. On top of that, I'm a virgin so that made him even more ickier. I'm a virgin in consent. I'm going to meet my team, Naruto and Sakura! Asuma-sensei met me ahead of time. Oh my God he is so annoying.

"RAINBOW ROSE, WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN? I'VE BEEN WAITING FOR YOU FOR A WHILE! I'm going to ask again, will you marry me? I'll leave Kurenai for you if you will only be mine! Please I beg of you, you are the only girl I need. The only person I need! I will give you the world!" Asuma-sensei begged.

"Sensei, you know that is wrong! You're old!" I said, being the common sense of the situation. "It isn't right because it's illegal."

Asuma-sensei looked heartbroken. "You're right… Let's go."

I know I had just ripped his heart out of his chest.

Naruto and Sakura met up with me. "How have you been, Rainbow? Believe it! Did you have a good night sleep, half-sister? Believe it!" Naruto is my half-brother. His mommy had an affair with Sasuke's dad and then I was born without anyone knowing. She had to hide the pregnancy but she had me four months early so I guess that made it easier it hide because she didn't get as fat and stuff. I was lucky to be alive but it left me with a special gift! lol I won't tell you yet!

"Oh my God, Rainbow, how do you get your makeup so perfect every morning? I am so jelly!" Sakura gushed. She wished she looked like me but I don't know why. She's so pretty and I'm ugly.

"I don't wear makeup Sakura-chan, you know that! I smiled casually. Oh wait, that was supposed to be shown, not spoken." I shrugged. "Besides, you're way too pretty to need makeup! I wish I could look like you!"

"Oh my God, you are the nicest sweetest kindest strongest smartest person I have ever met! :D" She hugged me. She's my friend.

So we went in the classroom and we had to take a test. I hate tests and I never study so I always do terribly. School is so boring, why do we have to go? I mean, I already know how to do all the stuff we're learning. I mean the Uchiha's are family. They trained me. My mom didn't like that though. She was always like, 'I took you in so you should be more grateful and be with your family here and love us like you do your real family and be with us all the time and follow our rules not the Uchiha's rules because you are our daughter because we took you in so be more grateful and eat at our house like our daughter should. Your brother misses seeing your happy face at the dinner table.' Anyways, we sat down and Iruka-sensei passed out the tests. It took me thirteen seconds to do it because it was so easy a caveman could do it. Well, you know, if he wasn't out on fishing boats and buying lattes but I know I failed. The rest of the class took the whole time allowed to do it except for Shikamaru. He didn't even do it. It must have been really hard. He didn't even write down his name because he was too embarrassed to have the teacher see it. He was even pretending to sleep the entire time. He is so dumb, oh my God, why is he so stupid? Why does everyone think he's so smart? I don't get it.

Iruka-sensei handed back our papers ten minutes later and he was mad. Oh my God, I know I failed. "The only one who passed was Rainbow Rose Uchiha-Uzumaki! Did you hear that? RAINBOW ROSE UCHIHA-UZUMAKI MADE A PERFECT GRADE PLUS BONUS POINTS BECAUSE SHE SAW THE FLAWS IN MY QUESTIONS AND CORRECTED THEM FOR ME ON THE PAPER. Everyone else, your average was a 12 and the highest out of all of you was a 42 and the lowest were a bunch of 0s! You should all take after Rainbow Rose Uchiha-Uzumaki!"

I don't know what he talkin' 'bout, I'm dumb.

"Rainbow, you are excused from class for the rest of the week because you are so smart and you are better than these losers you call classmates."

"But Iruka-sensei, I'm so dumb and I don't deserve to be out of class because I'm just like everyone else and they don't deserve the unequal treatment! It isn't a very good teacherly idea to let me out without everyone else getting out too."

"OH MY GOD, RAINBOW, YOU ARE AWESOME AND SO NICE AND SMART AND GORGEOUS," the class called out at the same time. "We all love you, Rainbow Rose!"

This class is seriously messed up in the heads because I am so ugly and dumb and stuff. I sat down anyways and I took in the lesson like everyone else and on a few occasions I had to correct Iruka-sensei so then he was like, come teach us, so I went up there and taught the class an ultra-strong move I came up with off the top of my head. It's where you take someone's blood and make it move how you want. It's kinda like blood bending. It's super effective and stuff so you win instantly. People started calling me Rainbow Rose Uchiha-Uzumaki-sensei. They are so sweet but delusional because I'm stupid.

**~I AM SUPER DUPER SPECIAL AWESOME~**


	2. I Enjoy BBQ

You know you love Mary Sues.

"You were awesome in there, Rainbow Rose-sensei! Believe it! I am so glad you taught us today, your jutsu is going to probably save the village one unforeseen and not foreshadowed in any possible manner day! Believe it!" Naruto said clamoring to me. I think he kinda likes me even though we're totally related. I love him and all but it's just as a half-brother whose mother cheated on the love of her life with her best friend's husband and carried me for five months giving me special powers that I still will hide from you.

So as I walk through the roads alone because Naruto ran off to get some ramen, I feel a hand on my butt. I turn to find just normal people not touching me. There are a lot of guys staring at me but I know it's because of how ugly I am. I pass by a bunch of shops and the nice men there give me stuff. I get a flower and some noodles and a new iPod Nano. They are so nice. As I turn a corner I see _her_ coming towards me. Being trailed by her purple hair and followers, she stops and looks me over still walking. I step backwards and eventually we end up in an alleyway. Hinata looks me up and down and says, "What's an ugly little tramp like you doing out on the streets? Looking for buyers? Clients for your prostitution business that sells only you?" Her followers laugh at her hilarious joke. In fact, I get a laugh. It is humorous.

"Why are you so mean to me? What did I ever do to you?" I ask as I fall to the ground.

"Well, for starters, Naruto is always gushing about you. You're all he ever talks about. Stop it. And even better, you're the twenty-tail cat demon that killed my uncle. You are disgusting," she sneers.

"I-I can't help it!"

"Shut up!" She spits in my direction, signals her lackeys and they leave while laughing about how pathetic I am. Why are they so mean to me?

**~I AM SUPER DUPER SPECIAL AWESOME~**

I walk up to my house and wish I had somewhere else to go. My house is boring. It's five floors tall on a ten acre property. It has 50 rooms in it but I don't touch them because they remind me of the people who died for me to have it. After I killed my family, some old couple took me in because they had always wanted a little girl with rainbow hair and bloodstained hands but they couldn't reproduce. Then they died. I remember it like it was two months ago. There they were, dead, not breathing in their room on the floor. In this case, it wasn't the butler in the convention center with the cookie. Later it was found out that they both suffered from heart attacks early that morning. The lady had a heart attack and fell out and then the man had a heart attack after seeing her have a heart attack. So now I'm left with this huge house. I'm lucky though because the Third Hokage likes me and feels bad for me so he makes sure I don't have to pay taxes or stuff like that. As I get inside, my cell phone goes off. The Third Hokage has called my team to his office.

I arrive right as Naruto, Sakura, and Asuma-sensei show up. I just shake my head at Asuma-sensei with a stern look on my face when he looks at me. We enter his office and stand in front of his desk.

"Team 7, I am assigning you a very important mission. This is extremely urgent and crucial and so we knew of no one else better for the assignment than you. I need you of Team 7 to go out into some highly dense forests and capture Sasuke and Hidan. These two are collaborating and we don't know how or why. It is up to your team to find out and save the village else the whole village will die."

"Hokage-sama-kun-onī-san-san-sempai-sensei is right, guys! If we don't capture Sasuke and Hidan soon, the whole village will die!" I shouted above the Hokage.

"You are so right and awesome!" Naruto and Sakura and Asuma-sensei said.

"I wish I had said it that well, Rainbow Rose," Hokage-man said to me, "Do your best and Naruto, Sakura, rely on Rainbow Rose. She is your ticket to living because she knows how to do things better than any of the ninjas who have ever lived in this world we are living on currently and she has knowledge of the woods you haven't been in yet and she will help you to complete the mission without dying."

"Can do, Hokage! Believe it!" Naruto yelled.

**~I AM SUPER DUPER SPECIAL AWESOME~**

As I ran through the forest I looked back behind me in my back areas on my backside behind my person to see that everyone was way far back from me and not close. I motioned for them to catch up. They got a little closer as they sped up but I knew that was as fast as they could manage. I slowed down a lot and then ended up having to stop and wait for an hour, 13 minutes, and 47 seconds for everyone to catch up with me. I was lucky that the 20-tail cat demon made me fast. I named her Ricki. It's a cute girl name. As we ran, I had to stop a lot because they kept falling behind. As the sun began to set, I realized that I lost the game and so we had to sit down to pitch camp for the night. I set up the tents while everyone worked together making the camp fire. By the time I had finished setting up four tents and a classic rib eye restaurant that would make minimal profit in the summer months, the rest of the group was still having difficulty getting the fire to start. They had the wood but the flame wouldn't go. I huffed and walked over to the pit. I told everyone to move away as my hands began to glow red above the wood. Suddenly there was a burst of light and a flame erupted. Everyone clapped.

"You are amazing, Rainbow Rose-chan!" Sakura gushed, "How do you manage being so beautiful and amazing?"

"There is not time for that. We need to be rested for tomorrow." I said, nervous about the declining profits in my restaurant.

"You are so right, Raindow." Naruto said.

Oh, and believe it and such.

The morning came to my delight rather quickly. I was so happy to see breakfast made for me in a quaint and breathtaking fashion. Oh wait. It's 4:24 in the afternoon. Everyone else slept in when I woke up at 3 in the morning to get moving so I fell back asleep. Because of their laziness and inability to wake, I overslept more and dragged us behind. I lectured them for not waking at my waking time and how they should do better in the future else we fail our mission. They hung their heads in silence and shame.

As we packed up our belongings, I noticed a squirrel. It was cute.

Three days had passed and my team had slowly grown accustomed to my waking early so we now moved at a much quicker and smoother rate. On the fourth day, we made camp in a rocky area that resembled a waterfall. The water falling nearby kind of ruined it though. I prefer barren rock waterfalls without water. Maybe just rock. Would that be called a rocky surface? Would the word "water" be necessary if no water was present? I shouldn't bother myself with the pointless questions now. The Akatsuki are on the move! So I lay down to sleep for the night.

My eyes jarred open as an extremely loud noise ripped through the night.

…


End file.
